From The Top Rope - When The Ultimate Warrior Reigned In Spain
The man who had a bout so bad it helped kill WCW, 2008 saw Mr Hellwig head for Madrid for a match that made Hogan-Warrior look like Flair-Steamboat.
A version of this article appeared in FSM.
It’s October 25th 1998, and at the MGM Grand Las Vegas, World Championship Wrestling is staging something of a make-or-break rematch. While the execs might like to believe otherwise, WCW is no longer the undisputed big dog of the American wrestling scenes, with the then-WWF having dragged itself off the canvas and set about readjusting the balance.
Aware that Vince McMahon has been doing great business ever since pushing ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin to the moon and throwing Mike Tyson into the main event mix, Eric Bischoff has tried to boost ratings by having main man Hollywood Hulk Hogan feud with the one major star never to have jobbed to him, The Ultimate Warrior.
Warrior - the muscle-bursting, nonsense-spouting nutcase formerly known as Jim Hellwig - has been relatively successful in attracting an audience since debuting for the Southern promotion. This in spite of the fact that he’s yet to work a singles match, has consistently cut terrible promos and has participated in a variety of bizarre skits in which Hogan stooge Ed Leslie has been forced to assume the sorts of poses more closely associated with the S&M scene.
With the feud in danger of dying on its feet, only a stellar bout at Halloween Havoc ‘98 can hope to keep things afloat. The opening bell sounds and, 14 tragic minutes later, The Hulkster covers Warrior after a feeble chair-shot courtesy of his nephew, Horace Hogan. What should have been an amazing moment in WCW history is a blessed relief, coming after one of the most tedious matches in recent memory. Sure, Hogan avenged his WrestleMania VI defeat - and with it sated his Asia-sized ego - but at what cost?
A decade later and WCW has long since ceased to exist as a wrestling entity. You could be forgiven for thinking that Warrior’s wrestling days were also a thing of the past. For the last decade, little has been heard from Parts Unknown’s most famous resident, aside from the odd politically incorrect rant.
So why was it that, on June 26th 2008, I found myself entering my credit card details on Warrior’s website to watch the 49-year-old wrestle a former WWE mid-carder, in
a title match being held in Spain by Italian Indy outfit Nu Wrestling Evolution? What could have driven the former WWE champion to return to a business that he has often seemed ambivalent towards, and frequently expressed downright loathing for?
When it was announced that Warrior would pull on his tassels one last time, fans the world over wondered what could have driven him to such drastic action. Famously shrewd, it was hard to believe it was because he needed the money. Not that he wouldn’t have been well compensated for his return - this is the man who’s been known to charge in excess of $20,000 just for an interview. Still, over the years, Warrior has had sufficient big paydays and set up enough shrewd investments to leave him financially secure.
If it wasn’t money then was it an ego thing? Was it an attempt to snatch the spotlight from Ric Flair*? Or was it simply a chance to allow his young daughters to see what their daddy did before he took to spending his days ranting about homosexuals on the internet?
Warrior’s family was certainly a big part of the entertainment that night in Barcelona, his kids even joining him in the ring before the bell sounded. Watching their old man at work that night, you can’t help thinking that a better parent might have spared his darlings the sight of their father hobbling around the ring, gasping for air like an asthmatic Shar-Pei.
For those who resisted the not-terribly-attractive opportunity to pay rather a lot of money to watch a guy who hadn’t worked a match for a decade and wasn’t the best worker in the the first place beat up a glorified WWE enhancement guy, now’s as good a time as any to point out that Warrior versus Orlando Jordan (sadly unused tagline: ‘This one really is personal!’) wasn’t one for the ages.
The main event began with OJ getting a decent reaction from the fans, who proceeded to bombard him and his comely valet with tickertape. Jordan then took to the ring where said valet helped him get undressed - which must be rather embarrassing for a man in his late twenties - at which point Warrior’s music cut in. Naturally, with the WWE owning the rights to ‘Warrior Wildfire’, it’s not a familiar track but the screaming guitars and bounding drums are enough to let us know that Mrs Hellwig’s little boy is on his way.
And here he comes, hobbling to the ring like the crocked middle-aged man he really is. Sporting gold face paint and one of those full-length airbrushed coats, he sort of looks like The Ultimate Warrior. All that’s missing are a few pounds of muscle and that long, flowing, dirty blonde mane. The tears having caught up with him, Warrior is now the proud owner of a Clooney-esque salt-and-pepper crew cut.
And what does the sizeable crowd make of Warrior’s in-ring arrival after 10 long years away? Not an awful lot as it happens. The fans are none too impressed by the early exchanges either what with them consisting of Orlando Jordan selling like Richie Steamboat while Warrior hands out the sort of blows even Jenna Morasca might consider a tad feeble.
Then, after a number of body checks and a nearly-blown hip-toss (a move that counts as a highspot in the context of this bout), we’re treated to week-long rest holds as Warrior sucks in so much air that they first three rows almost pass out. Naturally Jordan gets the upper hand in the end but since Warrior’s lack of psychology leaves him unwilling to sell, he shrugs off the shots the way a lion might dismiss a mosquito.
And now it’s time for the grand finale. First up there’s the rope shaking, which might have looked better were the ropes not so slack that they resemble rubber bands. Then there are the signature clotheslines which even Hornswoggle would have a hard time selling convincingly.
Finally, with the crowd as close to getting to their feet as they’ve been all match, Warrior - instead of performing his patented gorilla press, big splash and flying tackle - meekly shoulder blocks Jordan and covers him for the one, two, three. The fans, being a generous bunch, go wild. Still, you have to wonder how many of them on the way home started to wonder whether it had really been worth shelling out so many Euros for.
If the psychology was shocking, the finish anticlimactic and Warrior’s cardio a joke, anyone who witnessed this comeback bout will at least have been impressed by his Masters Of The Universe physique. Of course, you do have to wonder how a man of his fairly advanced years was able to turn himself into a fitted kitchen in the space of a few weeks.
When he debuted for NWE in April at a show in Madrid, Warrior took to the ring in a jacket and tie - a wardrobe selection that suggests he wasn’t exactly at his buffest. But in Barcelona, whatever it took to get him there and though smaller than at his peak, he had a body that wouldn’t look entirely out of place in today’s WWE.
Our man had also taken some intelligent steps to make sure that his return was a real event. These measures included setting up the aforementioned pay-per-view site, which provided fans with the opportunity to watch training videos and hype vignettes featuring none other than his comeback coach Rob Van Dam.
You could also bid on authentic pieces of Warrior memorabilia, such as his sweat-stained ring singlet - look out for that one on future episodes of Cash In The Attic. And as a man who has long valued the power and importance of the spoken word, Warriorvision (as it should have been called) also provided his fans with a forum for their thoughts and opinions.
Sadly, but rather predictably, the ‘Warriors’ (truly the lunatic’s lunatics) appeared to have rather a lot in common with their hero. Take the user named Taskmaster (please), an acolyte who was none too impressed with footage of Orlando Jordan strutting around with his entourage.
“Why is that homo Orlando Jordan paying those dingbats to appear with him? I’m guessing those dingbats are being pad unless they’re trying to get him to switch teams and be a real man. He is admittedly gay so I’m surprised that he doesn’t have a coupla pool boys giving him towels and whatnot! Feel The Power!!!!!!!” Yep, nothing underlines the importance of the point you’re making than the use of seven exclamation marks.
As sad as this bigotry was, it was bound to happen when someone as homophobic as Warrior was booked to feud with someone as openly festive as Orlando Jordan. And you don’t have to be too bright to realise that Warrior’s opinions and Jordan’s lifestyle were a major reason for matching the athletes in the first place. Please feel free to insert your own rant about the imbecility of the wrestling business at this juncture.
Oh yes, and after all the hot-and-cold hullabaloo, Mr Warrior rescinded his NWE title within minutes of winning it. Yet more evidence then that money - at least in the short term - isn’t Hellwig’s biggest concern. So we’re back to that original question: why has a guy who’s never professed much love for pro wrestling returned to the ring a decade after he so ignominiously left it?
According to the dirt sheets, Warrior’s NWE adventure was designed to grab the attention of Vincent Kennedy McMahon. With the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania right around the corner, what a price the former champ going toe-to-toe with the man who made him?
We now know the price was very low indeed. When Warrior did eventually return to the WWE, it was to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame in 2014. And within 72 hours of that having occurred, James Brian Hellwig was no more, the victim of a massive heart attack at the age of 54.
It was a tragic way to go, although the sadness was muted a little by Warrior having gone someway towards rebuilding the bridges he’d so impressively singed earlier in his career. And better his last appeared should’ve been with a mic in his hand rather than a title belt wrap around his waist.
Just check out that footage of Warrior hobbling his way to the ring in Barcelona one more time. The face-painted pariah might have long been a joke, but to watch him in such obvious physical discomfort left one in the rare position of actually feeling sorry for him. Whatever the true reason for Warrior’s return, the pity of wrestling journalists can’t possibly have been his motivation.
*At the time of writing, Ric Flair has just returned at WrestleMania 24. This state of affairs would not be permanent.