"Shut It, You Slag!": Why Nick Love's Sweeney Reboot Was Doomed From The Outset

The Football Factory director made a Sweeney movie in 2012. Trouble is, somebody beat him to it. Twice.

Ah, The Sweeney - the TV show of the 1970s. Violence, nudity, car chases - what more could a kid/teen/man old enough to know better want from a television programme? It’s so good in fact that it still stands up pretty well today. Okay, so the fashions - principally the women’s haircuts and the width of the men’s ties and the trouser legs - anchor Ian Kennedy Martin’s creation to the decade where taste went for a burton (courtesy of Burtons). But thanks to the potency of the action, the efficiency of the story telling and the quality of the performances this celebration of the Flying Squad is the equal of many a modern cop serial.

Of course, The Sweeney mightn’t mean so much to anyone born post-1980. Or rather, those that are familiar with the programme might be so thanks to Nick Love’s 2012 big screen ‘reinvention’ of the show that gave the English language such memorable phrases as, “Shut it!” and “We’re the Sweeney, son, and we haven’t had any dinner.” And who did Patsy Palmer’s ex cast as DI Jack Regan and DS George Carter? Why, none other than Ray Winstone and Ben Drew, aka Plan B.

Now, before anyone writes in to complain, I’m aware Plan B isn’t just another of those pop stars who’s got on the phone to their agent saying “what I really want to do is act”. I’ve seen him Noel Clarke’s Adulthood and 4.3.2.1 and Daniel Barber’s Harry Brown, and while he didn’t blow me way, he was far from unforgiveable. It’s not the idea of casting Plan B that’s problematic, then - it’s the idea of casting him as George Carter.

While Lucas and Walliams got a lot of mileage out of how he likes to “write the theme tune, sing the theme tune”, there’s no escaping the fact that Dennis Waterman was a top TV tough guy. Okay, so his range isn’t massive, but if you needed someone with tenacity, rough diamond charm and a decent right cross, Dennis was your man. He wasn’t just a terrific tough nut, mind. Just check out ‘Hit And Run’, the Season Two Sweeney episode in which Carter’s wife Alison (Stephanie Turner) is murdered - you’ll never see a better portrayal of quiet devastation than the one Waterman provides.

If Drew didn’t have a chance of out-doing Dennis, Ray Winstone - much as I love him - had a hard time living up to John Thaw. Of course, unlike his co-star, Winstone is a gifted performer who’s been the best thing about any number of films and TV programmes (his psychotic Will Scarlett made Robin Of Sherwood so much more than just a kids’ show). Thaw, though, was in a class of his own. Although he was richly rewarded for his work on Inspector Morse, there was more to the Mancunian master than being able to nurse a pint while carrying Kevin Whateley. As Jack Regan, his hawk-like countenance combined with a ferocious bark could at times make him seem truly frightening. But like most good people, even this most gifted of performers could never completely hide the decency within him. As such, Regan was often easy to sympathise with and sometimes downright loveable.

Although his actors were on a hiding to nothing, it was Nick Love who had the most to lose from reimagining The Sweeney. For one thing, rule-bending cops are now the norm rather than the alternative. When Regan and Carter started plying their trade, archetypal honest Bobby George Dixon was still patrolling the Dock Green beat. In the 21st century, Love would’ve caused more of a stir if he depicted a PC PC rather than, say, a constable with a coke habit.

Then there’s the small matter of there already being not one but two decent Sweeney movies in existence. Shot in 1977, Sweeney! (like what they did with the exclamation mark there) features a Who’s Who of British film and TV favourites. Barry Foster (Van Der Valk), Ian Bannen (The Offence, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy), Colin Welland (Kes, the script for Chariots Of Fire), Brian Glover (An American Werewolf In London), Johnny Shannon (Performance), Diane Keen (Doctors), Bernard Kay (Doctors again), Nadim Sawalha (Julia and Nadia’s dad) - my, you even get to see Oxo mum Lynda Bellingham in the buff!

Besides its cast of thousands, Sweeney! also features a compelling State Of Play-style storyline centring on Foster’s Alistair Campbell-esque PR exec and his attempts to corner an OPEC conference at any costs. Rightly famous for lines like “Alright, Tinker Bell - you’re nicked!”, Sweeney the film, like the best episodes of Sweeney the series, also features bit player extraordinaire Tony Allen as Bill The Driver.

Allen makes his customary uncredited appearance in the unimaginatively titled sequel Sweeney 2. Boasting a bigger budget and Ian Kennedy Martin’s brother Troy (The Italian Job) on screenwriting duties, the follow-up features a gang of bank robbers who use their loot to support an idyllic existence in Malta. Add Nazi sympathisers,
a porn actress and a vegetarian police officer to the mix and you have a pretty heady affair, made that much stranger by the familiarity of the cast - Denholm Elliot plays Regan’s corrupt mentor, Nigel Hawthorne is the Chief of Police and Ken Hutchison (Straw Dogs, Murphy’s Mob) and Brian Hall (Terry the chef from Fawlty Towers) essay two of the blaggers.

So there you are - a never-bettered TV show, two incomparable performances and a brace of perfectly fine feature films. Only an idiot would think of trying to give The Sweeney a fresh spin. Turned out Nick Love was that idiot.