All The A-Listers Want To Do Is... Sing!
Had things worked out a little differently, these stars might have found themselves singing for their suppers...
William Shatner
Qualifications For The Job: Bill Shits trod the boards before he captained The Enterprise so one presumes he must have had some experience in musical theatre.
Offending Article: The Transformed Man featuring ‘unique’ interpretations of ‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’ and ‘Mr Tambourine Man’. In a word, “challenging”.
The Reviews: When it came out in 1968, audiences didn’t know whether or not to treat it as a joke. Subsequently deleted, it returned to haunt record stores in the 1990s, wedged firmly in the section labelled ‘Kitsch’.
Redeeming Features: Shatner’s take on ‘Lucy’ simply has to be heard to be believed. TJ Hooker reading Shakespeare also takes some licking, although sniffing a permanent marker pen before playing it may enhance the listening experience.
Subsequent Career: Nothing for ages then returned in the noughties with another LP complete with “fresh” takes on, among other things, Pulp’s ‘Common People’.
Russell Crowe
Qualifications For The Job: Although he tried to cover it up (rather like his stint on Neighbours), back in his native New Zealand, Crowe enjoyed minor chart success under the persona of Russ Le Roq. Imagine a sheep-dipped Jason Donovan.
Offending Article: 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts, a catchfly-titled folk-rock group fronted by Crowe who’ve played to sell out crowds in trailer parks and pool halls the length and breadth of America.
The Reviews: Neatly summed up by the fact that, midway through a set in Texas,
a disgruntled punter threw a dead dog on stage. Fortunately, Russ resisted the urge to “do an Ozzy.”
Redeeming Features: Given that Crowe describes his own music as an “uncomfortable listening experience” and his lyrics are obsessed with the grubby side-of-life, it’s hardly show-boating a la David Hasselhoff. That said, ‘New Zealand rock’ has to be the oxymoron of the new century.
Subsequent Career: The Grunts continued to release music for many a year despite more-or-less global indifference.
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