Charlie Sheen
Qualification For The Job: Perhaps recognising that roles in clunkers like The Rookie and Men At Work weren’t ideal preparation for a career in poetry, Sheen changed his first name to Charles before committing his angst to paper.
Offending Article: “The shaken magician, sweat pouring/From his brow, seems less than amused/By the rabbit’s subtle attempt to make/Him disappear.” (from the poem Thumbcuff)
The Reviews: The Evening Globe’s Bob Tesla was surprisingly charitable, calling the book an “often humorous” look into Sheen’s brain. Please don’t have nightmares…
Redeeming Features: Er, well, at least while he was writing poems, Sheen wasn’t snorting coke or calling up Heidi Fleiss for another of her cheerleader outfit-wearing ‘special deliveries’.
Subsequent Career: Charlie is now preoccupied fighting HIV. Frankly, I don’t much fancy HIV’s chances.
David Duchovny
Qualification For The Job: Yes, it’s the age old story of Yale graduate becomes actor, stars in soft porn TV series, graduates to UFO saga, gets a bit above himself, meets paper, does poetry. How many times have we seen that, eh?
Offending Article: “Home is where the heart is and my heart is out travelling/Up into the wild blue yonder/Wingless prayerful that this miracle of flight/Will not end/Just yet.” (from the poem Cliché Juice)
The Reviews: Cliché Juice was the only verse available on a website called The Best Of David Duchovny. Don’t bother looking for it, mind - it’s not online anymore.
Redeeming Features: Next to some of his movie outings, Cliché Juice comes on like The Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner. Still, it’s probably for the best that Late Review is no longer on air as the kicking it might have received would’ve sparked calls to Amnesty International.
Subsequent Career: His writing days over, one imagines David spends his days waiting for Chris Carter to come up with his latest way of relaunching The X-Files.
David Thewlis
Qualification For The Job: Impressive. Thewlis’s mum Maureen remembers that the young David would fill his diary with poems. “I used to say, ‘What’s all this about?’ And he said, ‘That’s going to be useful to me one day.’ And you see, it was!”
Offending Article: “He’d been let down so often/His brow was on the floor/But then they found/A small hole in the ground/And let him down some more.” (from the poem Descent)
The Reviews: All manner of actors and directors have commented upon Thewlis’s Spike Milligan-esque wit. As sharp as David’s writing is, the fact that he’s been brilliant in everything from Naked to Gangster No 1 to Mr Nice makes it hard to get too excited about his poetry.
Redeeming Features: Plenty as his charming Rain reveals: “And/After the rain/Our umbrella/Becomes a cane/And ‘Whatever will become of us?’/Becomes ‘became’”. Weirdly, despite enthusiastic letters from publishers, Thewlis has still to release an anthology.
Subsequent Career: Thewlis’s artistic bent made him the perfect choice to play Paul Verlaine opposite Leonardo DiCaprio’s Arthur Rimbaud in Agnieszka Holland’s Total Eclipse.
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